There has been no known Trump fish species identified by biologists before now. Occasional scattered reports have surfaced in the past year or so, of sightings of several kinds of Trump fish in the wild. All of these have been nearly conclusively identified as masquerading Blob fish or Puffer fish variants upon closer investigation. Or perhaps the reports were published as parody publicity items.
There is a real aquatic species known as the Trumpet fish, a long slender fish noted for its penchant for swimming vertically, and posing as a waving stick underwater in order to get close to its prey. Physically, its appearance doesn’t bear much resemblance to the Donald J. archetype we know.
Scientists has been preparing a comprehensive report on an entirely new discovery” a remarkable species to be called the Trump® Fish.* It is a hybrid fish-amphibian cross, exhibiting traits of both ancient ancestral lines, since modified.
The Trump® Fish shares certain prominent characteristics of both its ancient forebears. It has both functioning lungs and gills. It has both legs and fins. It is adaptable to live and survive on both on land and under water, though it spends more of its time on land. It appears to thrive best near ground level, and often returns with a thud after scaling tremendous heights for brief periods.
A distant amphibian relative, whose descendants still exist, is the Axolotl. This interesting species, whose technical scientific name is Ambystoma mexicanum, is commonly known as the walking fish, and sometimes as the Mexican Salamander.
From a Natural History website celebrating the Axolotl:
Although the axolotl is colloquially known as a “walking fish”, it is not a fish, but an amphibian. The species originates from numerous lakes, such as Lake Xochimilco underlying Mexico City.
As of 2010, wild axolotls were near extinction due to urbanization in Mexico City and consequent water pollution. They are currently listed by CITES as an endangered species and by IUCN as critically endangered in the wild, with a decreasing population. Axolotls are used extensively in scientific research due to their ability to regenerate limbs. Axolotls were also sold as food in Mexican markets and were a staple in the Aztec diet.
The axolotl is carnivorous, consuming small prey such as worms, insects, and small fish in the wild. Axolotls locate food by smell, and will “snap” at any potential meal, sucking the food into their stomachs with vacuum force.
Watch here for some video of the Axolotl in its natural habitat. This is just one more Mexican Thing the Trump® Fish has to put up with.
From the good folks at the world famous St. Louis Zoo, and the Wikipedia entry there are other amphibian features shared by the newly discovered Trump® Fish species:
- Amphibian was first used to describe animals that could live on land or in water,
- Name comes from the Greek, “amphibious”, meaning “a being with a double life”
- Amphibians are Carnivorous
- Amphibians are Ectothermic (Cold blooded)
- Amphibians are Thin Skinned
- Amphibians can use their skin as a second breathing surface
- Amphibians become active only at night when it is hot outside.
Do you happen to recognize any of these ancestral traits as relevant in the 2016 Presidential contest?
A dominant behavioral characteristic is that the Trump® Fish can function nearly as well under water as on dry land. It can seamlessly transfer from one medium to the other. The Trump® Fish is a true ocean going creature. However, so far, veteran observers have noted that underwater excursions generally take place relatively near the water’s surface, say to depths of about 33 (1 increased atmosphere) to 66 (2 increased atmospheres) feet below sea level.
Like other relatives, the Trump® Fish is very thin skinned, reacting violently to environmental insults at very low toxic concentrations. It is also notable that the Trump® Fish has heavily armored gills and mouth parts that have proven nearly impervious to polluted effluent flowing in his surroundings, and to the poisons frequently emitted, without apparent biological rationale, from the numerous scent glands along its flanks.
The Trump® Fish has proven hardy in most environmental situations, though it exhibits some faltering in high temperature conditions and on exposure to bright light.
A Dramatic Trump® Fish Display Tonight
There are persistent and apparently reliable rumors that, as soon as this Sunday evening, the premier Daddy Trump® Fish is going to go hunting at significantly lower depths, to more than 3 or 4 increased atmospheres (greater than 100 feet below the surface), than ever seen before. No gill and lung hybrid species has ever been known to attempt this maneuver before.
Many of the documented Trump® Fish attacks previously have been visible to onlookers from the surface. The lack of natural light at significant depths underwater, however, will prevent clear viewing of the expected chase and hunt taking place below 50 or 100 feet.
Most potential viewers do not have access to proper deep sea diving gear, a qualified support crew, or the specialized Heliox breathing gas mixture needed to survive a foray to such depth. Nor, truth be told, the experience or stamina to attempt such a journey. They will have to be satisfied with the residual evidence that floats to the surface like gas bubbles and debris wreckage.
The best advice we can offer to concerned citizens, is that they tune in to follow this unfolding story live at 9 PM Eastern Time on Sunday, October 9, with waders and foul weather gear close at hand.
Viewers should be prepared to metaphorically man the boats, and be on the lookout for survivors.
As a special bonus, the Trump® Fish handlers have promised a live, completely honest and accurate assessment of the contest, once it is over. They solemnly pledge there will be no tall fish tales about the one that got away. The Trump® Fish review is expected to take place very quickly, since the Trump® Fish itself does not need any decompression time to rise from great depths to surface on land, as a normal, regular diver would.
This absence of any need for recovery or reflection time, is but one of the many natural advantages enjoyed by this hardy newly described Trump® Fish species.
Please watch tonight for your personal entertainment, and to prepare to be amazed. You may all resume your normal un-fishlike activities in the morning.
*To avoid any possible confusion, there is no registered trademark for Trump® Fish, not are we suggesting one. Let me repeat that in boldface, there is no registered trademark for Trump® Fish, not are we suggesting one. Everybody is aware by now how jealously Trump’s team regards any potential commercial use of his name, so this accolade is offered in an entirely friendly, joshing manner. Trust me. Though, on second thought, his lawyers might want to go ahead and reserve the commercial application possibility just in case. After all, incompetent Obama has recently has some earth creature or other named in his honor, and Trump should not fall behind in the famous person recognition scale, even for lowly critters.
Furthermore, as we all learned from a classic Trump interview with the hated Anderson Cooper on a CNN Town Hall in February 2016, Trump’s favorite McDonald’s fast food meal is the Fish Delight; so he may harbor a proprietary interest in matter fishy.
Also as an aside, of course, the McDonalds (proprietary?) food delicacy is not named the “Fish Delight” as Trump called it on TV, but rather the same prosaic “Filet-O-Fish” sandwich on a bun, that millions of us have been eating for five decades (since 1962). No one corrected Trump at the time of his slip, probably out of politeness rather than ignorance (People seem to do that quite a lot around such a mega star as Trump). Although, since Donald would never make such an obvious mistake, maybe the 14,248 (as of 2015) McDonalds don’t know what they are talking about or selling for half a century, and should just change all their signage to accept the truth as Trump sees it.