No, these are not notes from some Federal Washington Work Group. Those things are never secret, and there’s not much planning going on during their deliberations either. This is the real deal brought to you by the Nasty Little Bugs in Conjunction.
Our COVID Spread the Wealth Task Force has been exploiting the ultra-luxury petri dishes these humans are so generous to provide for our wants and needs.
The first major target group was the large floating mobile luxury condos called cruise ships.
5,000 yummy targets of opportunity at a time, often filled with lots of old people crammed together, with lots of alcohol on tap, and folks intent on mingling. Off to sea for 4 to 14 days at a time, with nowhere to go, and nowhere to get away when we strike. Unfortunately, we were so successful attacking them, that the entire cruise industry has now been shut down. Too bad for us, but we had a good run on these maiden voyages.
The next best mobile petri dishes are these things called airplanes. 100-400 prime juicy human transport targets at a time. Strangers stuck cheek by jowl for 1-6 six hours or more. Breathing the same air, sitting 6 inches apart, everyone using two or three bathrooms, breathing on each other, and thousands of common surfaces touches. Simply Outstanding. The special beauty of airplanes is that once passengers get off, they spread out quickly on the ground or immediately onto other airplanes making the whole system an extremely efficient transport network both internationally and within country borders. Effective virus control measures are nonexistent, or a simple temperature check easy to fake. Nobody was smart enough to have a quick virus test available for screening, even now. We were able to move everywhere and anywhere whenever we wanted.
Again, we were just too successful and now airplane traffic is about 95% shut down.
Next in line are our mobile transport pods like buses, trains, and subways. These are also very crowded with people bumping up against one another in the most delicious way, especially at rush hours, but the trips are much shorter, say 30 minutes or an hour, so personal contact time is sometimes borderline for our most efficient spread metrics, but there are thousands and thousands of these venues, repeated daily, and they exist even in small to medium size cities, thus expanding our network to include far more of the country.
The least satisfactory of mobile conveyances for viral contagion are the ubiquitous personal vehicles, especially those filled with close family members. But even here taxis and ridesharing services like Uber and Lyft provide tens of thousands of daily opportunities for strangers to share contact surface contamination and droplet residue transfer each day.
Now we arrive at the closed and semi-closed non-mobile petri dish target chains. Here the targets are thousands upon thousands of places holding especially juicy morsels, since they often house old, sick, and frail people just waiting for a COVID-19 embrace, mostly with nowhere else to go. You know what I’m talking about: nursing homes, long-term care facilities, elder care residences, Veterans homes, group homes, independent living communities, and senior centers.
Add to this expansive list the mental health facilities, rehabilitation clinics, not to mention jails, halfway houses, prisons, and penitentiaries. The average humans-in-charge were too often incredibly stupid and slow-witted in moving to protect these crowded, understaffed, and vulnerable locations from viral invasion. Many of these facilities also contain poor, neglected, abused or unwanted residents who are deliberately denied proper care by authorities such as ICE detention centers. Others including nursing homes and rest homes for Granny and Grandpa and crazy uncle Harry are just understaffed and under resourced and sometimes a bit out of mind.
Regardless, the lack of aggressive early precautions has allowed our Viral Armies unfettered entry virtually everywhere, big and small, cities and rural areas, luxury equipped and poorly appointed, public and private facilities. Estimates are that nearly 1,000,000 people are in nursing care facilities and adding in all the others mentioned above there may be 5 million super juicy vulnerable targets for rapid COVID growth and spread.
This is the target group which will be our main focus for the next 30 to 60 days. Feckless human leadership appears to be agitating for early release of the partially successful control measures put in place which have slowed our progress. We support early return to normal. The faster the better.
We have a forward planning surprise for Humans if they’re so stupid they proceed in their arrogance. One small example from South Dakota shows the potential power. A small state that has so few residents spaced so far apart, it’s almost not worth sending a covert army up there to mess with them.
Except that in one modest plant in Sioux Falls, they produce 5% of all the pork used in the United States. The whole blooming country. There are 3,700 people, an insignificant number, who work there. Because of the obdurate ignorance of the current Governor ignoring all public health advice and pleading (fabulous for our side) in less than two weeks more than 15% of the entire plan has become infected. So, the situation has now gone from a three-day plant closure to deep clean to an indefinite shut down of 5% of the US pork supply for all consumers. Major supply sidelined by just 500 cases in the right spot. When there are already 600,000 US cases, and we are just getting ramped up.
This small-scale workplace-assisted shut down of supply lines and critical national needs is our medium to long term 6 to 12 months future for the COVID-19 family. Strike fast and local, and move on.
Our plans will work out magnificently if the “Total Authority” moron manages to convince people to do it his way. Oh, dear Lord please let the lower information types blindly follow along. This is the best possible news any COVID-19 supporter could possibly imagine.
Keep it under your hat. We don’t want this to get out. Let Fox News lead the way with claims of religious freedom and get back to normal now as their banner headlines. We know where our bread is buttered.
The juiciest days are yet to come.
As the facts demonstrate, we don’t even need to consider using kids under 18 to spread the viral word. The 18 to 30-year-old set did a great job over spring break and during Mardi Gras festivities. The 30 and 40-something groups can carry the ball with hefty job transmission rates and serving as direct vectors to spread the virus among the susceptible 60’s and older Uncles, Aunts, Grandparents, and those who can’t fight back.
We have a game plan. And it’s a damn good one too.
Check back in a couple weeks to see if the Stupid Humans have learned anything from the past month or so. Don’t bet your shirt on it if What’s His Name with a Crown in still in overall command.
Stats just in. Another rip-roaring day for our side.
It’s OK Not to Be the King.
Comment: I dearly wish this were just some Swiftian exaggerated confection and so over the top, one could dismiss it out of hand. I wish. Instead it cuts close to the bone. And contains more truth than fiction. What a nightmare we have brought upon our selves. What a massive Leadership failure we suffer every day. More than 26,000 Dead Americans as of tonight. Nearly Half A Viet Nam in just 90 days.
